There’s no etiquette guide for starting something like this, so I suppose I’ll just begin here: Kevin and I have had the unwanted privilege of walking through infertility over the past couple of years.

I say “unwanted” for obvious reasons: neither of us would have chosen this difficult path full of hurt and heartache. Neither of us wanted to experience the gauntlet of physical, financial, and emotional stress that comes along with infertility.

But I say “privilege” because that’s exactly what it has ended up being. It is a privilege to walk through suffering when it brings you closer to each other and closer to Jesus than you ever imagined. It is a privilege to lay your plans and your timing at the feet of the throne over and over again. And it is a privilege to watch God work miracles in ways you never imagined in your wildest dreams.

Don’t get me wrong—there have been lots of less-than-glamorous days. Days where I did not wait well or see the beauty in the brokenness. There were so many moments I could not see the goodness of God through the darkness. There were tests and procedures and pills and shots that made us lose faith in the process (and money and sanity), little by little.

Somehow simultaneously, I doubted God’s plan for us and held fast to His Word. Not because I was choosing some great step of faith, but because I had nowhere else to go. These have been the hardest years of running into His arms when I didn’t feel like it, believing He had purpose in our pain when I couldn’t see it, and trusting His timing when I was angry at the ways in which He was working. Although I didn’t do this gracefully, I learned how to carry both sorrow and joy, grief and gratitude, and hope in the darkest of nights.

I jotted down a few stories and thoughts during this time. Here is a small excerpt:

Despite all of the tears and heartbreaks, deep in my bones I still know that God is good and He is after the best for me. And the best for me is His glory. He is patient with me like a good parent with a hormonal, rebelling teenager and loves me through all of the trials. So I told God He was my only hope. He was, and He is.

I would love to wrap this story of heartache in a tidy little bow. I would love to tell the world that God gave us a miracle baby, but I can’t do that yet. While God has healed a lot of the hurts and disappointments through this season of brokenness, we are still waiting for that positive test; we are aching to hear our baby’s heartbeat for the first time and itching to decorate a nursery, to talk about baby names and what sports they will play, to teach them about Jesus and to watch them grow up. I am desperate for the day where I can look my son or daughter in the eyes, show them my journal full of scribbled prayers and say, “This doesn’t even come close to how many times I’ve prayed for you.”

But if that day never comes, I will still believe in the goodness of God. Not because I feel like it, but because it is one of the few things I know to be true. I will still believe that He is right here with us, in this season of waiting and suffering and grief. I can only see a small sliver of the picture, and God can see the whole beautiful masterpiece.

My mindset has shifted: instead of waiting on a baby, I am waiting on the Lord. And I am already lifting those praise hands in victory because I know this to be true: He always shows up.

…

There are parts of our story that have changed now; I can now say that we received the positive test and we are overjoyed that we have a beautiful miracle baby growing and moving as I type this…we are pregnant!

We have been crying happy tears and dancing in the kitchen and praising the Lord for working in beautiful and holy ways—ways that we wouldn’t have chosen or anticipated, but that are so perfectly miraculous. Looking back on the messiest and hardest season of our lives, I can confidently say that God was with us in the waiting and His timing truly is perfect. He has indeed been painting a beautiful masterpiece all along.

And I am so thankful for every second of the horrible, tear-stained, wonderful journey that led us to this place.

…

“Those who sow in tears
shall reap with shouts of joy!
He who goes out weeping,
bearing the seed for sowing,
shall come home with shouts of joy,
bringing his sheaves with him.”

— Psalm 126:5-6

To anyone else walking through infertility,

Feel free to reach out if you need to vent or just want to chat with someone who knows what it’s like in the waiting. We aren’t meant to walk this journey alone.

To our community,

Thank you for praying for us, crying with us, bringing meals, checking on us, and carrying our burdens with us over the past couple of years. Thank you to those of you who haven’t shied away from the pain, but stepped right into the messy middle with us. We have truly experienced the body of Christ so beautifully, and we are beyond blessed by each of you.

To baby Fly,

We have never and we will never stop fighting for you. And more importantly, God won’t stop either. You are so loved.

To all of you,

Thank you for taking the time to learn more about our journey. We continue to ask for your prayers as we prepare for the arrival of our sweet babe (due early next summer)!

FAQs

How should I best care for loved ones walking through infertility?

Pray for them. Check on them, not by asking specific questions about treatment or news, but let them know you haven’t forgotten about them and you’re available if they want to talk. Infertility can be so isolating and taboo, so it helps to know that there are people out there who are willing to walk alongside you and aren’t afraid to step into the storm with you.

What resources would you recommend for couples on this journey?

To Read:

This probably goes without saying, but it’s important to stay in the Word even when we may not feel like opening our Bibles. The Lord healed so many of my wounds through Scripture, and I am so grateful for His faithfulness in allowing His words to speak life into me.

Mercy Like Morning by Jane Johnson

The Infertility Companion by Sandra Glahn & Dr. William Cutrer

It Starts with the Egg by Rebecca Fett

Making Babies by Sami S. David & Jill Blakeway

To Listen:

The Joy and Infertility Podcast

The Waiting Prayerfully Playlist by Courtney Kahla (Spotify)