This year I tried to be David. I picked up my slingshot and stones and then aimed at my giants. My slingshot broke apart. The giants kept standing, taunting, confronting me. I backed away... slowly and then all at once. I am not David.

This year I tried to be Noah. I bought the wood and started building my ark. Please, God. Am I doing this right? I don’t want to face the floods. I don’t want to drown. But I threw away my hammer. I am no carpenter.

Then I found myself in the lion’s den, so I tried to be Daniel. Be brave, I thought. Be strong. But I was so scared. I ran away before the lions could attack. I am not Daniel.

...

Finally, I decided to wear my own heart. I carried it around on my sleeve like a badge of honor, like a beautiful broken trinket I kept bringing to show and tell. It felt strange and wonderful and free.

At some point along the way, an exposed heart becomes even more broken. And all broken hearts need a remedy.

This year I gained a few more scars. I lost a few battles I never even knew I was fighting. I found myself crying to God more than I’d care to admit.

I suppose when He asks us to walk through fire, some of us are bound to come out burned.

But don't scars have the best stories?

...

I lived in the middle of the ocean this year. Waves pounding. Sea roaring. I lost sight of the lighthouse a few times. But no matter how severe the storms, I never drowned. There was always another breath to take, another glimpse of the light.

It had nothing to do with me and everything to do with Him, holding out a lifesaver when I grew desperate. He has saved me so many times.

He keeps saving me when I stand there stubbornly saying I can fight the waves myself. He waits, patiently, faithfully—because He knows. We are never able to save ourselves.

Thank God. I would make a terrible savior.

I am staring at 2017 in the rearview mirror now. And the truth flashes across the highway pretty obviously: I was never meant to be David or Noah or Daniel. But we do have one thing in common: we are not the heroes in our stories. God is. He keeps saving all of us. No matter how small or insignificant or broken we are. No matter how many times we try to run away.

So I may not consider myself

a poet, a prophet, a king or a priest.

But I will forever attempt to describe

this radical, wonderful grace.

For He keeps rescuing me—

A sinner, offender, the very least. 

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KEEP READING

Here are the top 5 posts from 2017!

1. Detox(ed)

2. 10 Days in Spain + Portugal

3. For the Ones Struggling With Comparison

4. Choosing Imperfection & Quirky Jokes

5. A Cheap, Fast Faith

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We are nearing the holidays, which always carries an array of emotions. Some of us are counting down the days on our perfectly-designed Advent calendars and hanging twinkly lights and planning family devotionals. And some of us are watching the days tick by like a slowly approaching time bomb that will likely explode in eating too much casserole and arguments with family members and fighting traffic for last-minute gift buying.

Some of us expect this season to be full of magic and joy and we end up finding disappointment and hurt— like we are opening up a beautifully-wrapped present only to find a note that details all of our insecurities and fears. A lot of us know that the holidays will bring up pain because all we notice is the empty seat at the table where a loved one should be sitting and eating and laughing with us.

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I went to hear a speaker at our church last week; he was a really smart guy full of facts and wisdom and good advice. He started talking about how our brains function, and I expected to promptly zone out since my particular brain does not comprehend science and statistics well. But I kept listening while he revealed this interesting research: it's scientifically proven that our brains hold onto all of the bad stuff more easily than the good stuff (he said this a lot more eloquently). Basically, we tend to remember the hurts and disappointments and fears over the joys and laughs and sweet moments.

We must fight to notice the good stuff.

I don’t know about you, but I can tell you from experience that this must be true. I don’t go to bed thinking, “Man, I had such a great day. Let me list off all my accomplishments.” Nope, I go to bed thinking about all of the tasks I didn’t check off my list, all of the things I said at the wrong time, the numerous hurts that haven’t quite been healed. For me, it is a constant battle to hand these worries over to the King so that I don’t stay awake all night dwelling on disappointments and not-yet-answered prayers.

But here’s the thing: when I started understanding these tendencies to dwell on the bad, I knew I must make an effort to remember the good. The joys and beauties of this messy life are all around me, but without any effort— I will remember those about as much as I remember high school calculus lessons.

We know this, don’t we? It’s why we make lists of gratitude and hang signs that say, “Count your blessings.” It’s why we have a whole season dedicated to giving thanks. I believe it’s why we start the Lord’s prayer with a sentiment of praise. We must train our brains to remember, to notice, to praise Him even when we don’t feel like it, even when it seems the whole world is ripping apart at the seams.

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So here’s my challenge to you (and myself) this holiday season: take note of the good stuff. This doesn’t mean we ignore the bad. Pushing our hurts and sorrows deep down is not a healthy approach either. But we mustn’t remain in a place of disappointment because we have so very much to be thankful for.

Let’s just make an effort to take note of the joys. Open up a journal and start a list. Pull out a chalkboard and have everyone in the family keep a visual record of thanksgiving. Start and end the days with singing praises. Crack open the Word to pray the Psalms of gratitude. Leave post-it note reminders of grace in the car. Take photos that hint at His glory. I think this is worth the effort.

Because if we allow it, gratitude might change everything. 

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Oh come, let us sing to the Lord;
    let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation!
Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving;
    let us make a joyful noise to him with songs of praise!
 For the Lord is a great God,
    and a great King above all gods.

-Psalm 95:1-3

When Kevin said he might "have to go" to Hawaii for work, I said I would take one for the team and tag along because marriage is ALL ABOUT SACRIFICE, people. It was okay there, though. I mean, we made the best of it. What else can ya do?

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A few of our favorite Maui adventures:

LAHAINA

I loved exploring Front Street and wandering in and out of the shops there. We ate lunch at Lahainaluna Cafe, bought a few secondhand books at the bookstore, and marveled at the pretty little park that's nested in the midst of the shops and tourists. The trees reminded me of the Angel Oak Tree in Charleston!

SUNRISE AT HALEAKALA NATIONAL PARK

Fun fact: you now have to buy tickets in advance if you want to watch the sunrise at Haleakala. We did not know this, but luckily someone from the hotel told us they release an extra 40 tickets 2 days prior (at 4 PM Hawaiin time). So we set an alarm on our phones Friday and were able to grab tickets for the Sunday morning sunrise. (You can buy tickets here. )

We never fully adjusted to Hawaiin time, so the 2 AM wakeup call wasn't that bad for us. It was about a 2-hour drive to the park from where we were staying and then about another 30-minute drive to the top. Everyone warned us how cold it would be, and they were right. It was COLD. But it was also beautiful and definitely worth the numb fingers. 

We reached the top a little early, so we were able to grab a parking spot near the observatory and look at the prettiest starry sky for a few minutes before watching the sun come up. 

Pictures don't do it justice. 

ROAD TO HANA

We are a little crazy (if you haven't noticed) and decided to do the entire Road to Hana on the same day we watched the sunrise at Haleakala. While it was a looong day (and everyone warned us not to do this), I am actually glad we did because:

-We got a super early start (obviously) before the rest of the island woke up.

-When you drive the Road to Hana after leaving Haleakala, the most logical way is to do the drive backward. This means we went the opposite direction from most of the other tourists and we were able to see the main attractions of the Road to Hana at the beginning of the drive before everyone else.

-We saved a lot of time. We were staying about as far away as you could get from the Road to Hana and Haleakala is in the middle of the island, so we were able to save the other days for relaxing at the beach instead of driving the entire island again.

Kevin may disagree with me on the above points because he was the one driving... and going against traffic on tiny roads and the edge of cliffs is not for the faint of heart.

I, however, was loaded up on Dramamine and annoyingly exclaiming every other minute, "Can you believe how PRETTYYY it is?!" To which he would reply, "I am just trying not to wreck."

Right. Good talk. 

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We started out by eating a big breakfast (and loading up on coffee) at Kula Bistro, changed out of our sunrise clothes into shorts and swimsuits, then hit the road.

I downloaded the Shaka guide app before we left, which was a huge help along the drive. We may have sarcastically talked back to the guide the whole drive, but in the end, we were so glad we had him!

The more desolate places on the drive reminded us so much of Ireland (our all-time favorite place), so we were obviously big fans.

Our stops along the Road to Hana included: St. Joseph's Church Kaupo, Huialoha Church, Oheo Pools, Wailua Falls, Kaihalulu Red Sand Beach, Black Sand Beach, Coconut Glens (the best vegan coconut milk ice cream!), Ho'okipa Beach, and lots of the viewpoints along the way

The only place we really wanted to see but didn't was Jaws, which is the big wave surf beach (the surfers have to get towed into the waves with a jet ski. Whoa). Our rental car didn't have 4-wheel drive and we were starting to run out of daylight, so we ultimately decided to stop at a beach with some smaller wave surfing (which was still fun to watch).

Apparently, a lot of tourists don't drive the entire Road to Hana, but I am so glad we did. Every inch of the landscape seems to be something new and all of it is beautiful. The guide told us that the reverse Road to Hana drive (which ended in Pa'ia Town) would take 10-12 hours, but due to our head start and prioritizing the stops we made, we completed it in about 7 hours.

By the end of the day, we were exhausted and happily headed back to the hotel to sleep. We purposely planned to stay nearby the remainder of our trip and enjoy the slowness of the resort. 

KAPALUA (the area we stayed)

Our favorite breakfast in Kapalua was called The Gazebo. It is kind of hidden (located behind a hotel), but it had a beautiful view of the ocean and the food was delicious. We also grabbed a few meals and snacks at the Honolua Store, which had a market, great meal options, and a cute little coffee bar.

While it was a little inconvenient to not adjust to the local time, it was kind of nice watching the sunrise every morning from an empty beach. 

Aloha, Hawaii. You are a dream. 

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All photos are property of Alex Fly

I wish we could grab coffee and have a heart-to-heart. I would tell you how God has been chipping away at this house made of sand and rebuilding it better and stronger. I would probably ask too many questions and drink a ridiculous amount of coffee a little too quickly. I would tell you how overwhelmed I am with life and grace and godliness.

Some weeks are just harder than others, you know? Sometimes you become pretty beaten down with the devil’s attacks and you need to know you still have a few people in your corner.

Because we’re all just a bunch of messed-up people in desperate need of our Savior. Sometimes we lose sight of the big picture and we ache for God’s gifts more than God. Sometimes we stumble toward the things of this world because the current is too strong and we are afraid of the fight against it. Sometimes our identity is floating around in the wrong places, and we allow it to latch onto anything that deems us worthy for a moment.

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I don’t know what kind of battle you are fighting, friend, but can I just cheer you on for a second?

Because I may not be great at math, but I know this formula to be 100% true: God is bigger.

Are you afraid or anxious? Give it to God. He is bigger.

Are you angry or bitter? Give it to God. He is bigger.

Are you walking through grief and sorrow? Give it to God. He is bigger.

Are you struggling with misplaced identity? Give it to God. He is bigger.

Are you dealing with rejection? Give it to God. He is bigger.

Whatever trial you are facing, wound that is hurting, lie that is damaging, ache that is unfulfilling—hand it over to the King and see what kind of crazy thing He does. Our God is good and perfect and holy and we mustn’t lose sight of His beautiful and miraculous way of redemption. It is everything.

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And I would love to wrap this up in a tidy little bow and say that surrender is an easy, three-step process through a few carefully-worded prayers, but we know (all too well) that’s not the case. It’s far from a one-and-done decision. Handing ourselves over to Jesus is a constant struggle. Surrender is always easier talked about than lived out.  

Real surrender is showing up day after day with bended knees and a repentant heart. It’s broken hallelujahs in the midst of weaknesses and failures. It’s reaching the mountaintops and realizing that we are still just as in need of a Savior as ever before. It’s a lifelong receiving of grace.

And I have never come to a place of true surrender without reflection and remembrance. This is a good place to start, isn’t it? We have to slow down for one solitary moment and notice the gaps between ourselves and God. We must notice the idols that pop up on our messed-up totem poles.

Then we must remember God’s faithfulness and perfection and glory, even in the midst of our shortcomings.

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So I’ll say it again and again: I may not know what sin is plaguing you, but I do know the God we serve. And there is nothing He can’t handle.

Our God is full of grace and redemption, love and mercy and healing. Let’s show up and lay that burden at His feet. Let's shift our gazes heavenward and take a step in faith.

Because we may be small and weak and broken and human, but God is bigger. 

This past July we got the opportunity to travel to the British Virgin Islands with family & friends. Obviously, we said yes right away, loaded up our bathing suits, and hopped on a plane. We flew into Puerto Rico and took an island hopper into the BVI (see that photo of the tiny plane? Slightly terrifying but also amazing). We landed on a dirt runway in Virgin Gorda, where we would stay the remainder of the trip. 

Virgin Gorda is pretty remote, but even more beautiful. The adults (still unqualified to be in that category) rented a villa that overlooked the water with a perfect sunset view. We explored Devil's Bay National Park and walked the trail to The Baths, which are definitely worth the hike and trek through the water. We swam, snorkeled, kayaked, wandered the caves and beaches, and spent the mornings sipping coffee on the porch.

I decided I could definitely get used to the island life.

photo by Love Be Photography

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detox
[noun dee-toks]
1. treatment designed to rid the body of poisonous substances

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DARK AGES & DRUGS OF DISTRACTION

[Read Parts One & Two of My Detox Journey: Here and Here.]

If you haven’t been with me since day 1, I’ll briefly catch you up to speed… The Lord put this slightly-crazy, 30-day detox journey in my heart. So for the last several weeks, I haven’t eaten grains, dairy, or anything with unnatural preservatives/flavorings, etc. I’ve also been abstaining from social media (Instagram and Facebook to be exact) and limiting TV time (no more binge-watching and zero news cycles).
 
I feel like I’m in the dark ages. I am a caveman (cavewoman?) wandering around the empty lands. What are all of the people doing? Am I missing everything? What on God’s green earth did I do before social media? How did I spend my free time? How did I wait in a line without reaching for my phone?

For the love of milk and honey, I cannot recall.
 
Life before Instagram and Facebook and Netflix is a blurry wisp of a memory, but I suppose I did productive things like homework and talked to people in real life (Although I do vaguely remember watching the entire box seasons of Gilmore Girls over and over. I will never be ashamed of this).
 
To be honest, I have failed the point of this detox in some areas. Don’t get me wrong: I have not cheated once (I am a first-born, rule-following Pharisee), but there were some days that I missed the mark on the whole “be still and wait on the Lord” thing. (Hello, my long-lost friend, Pinterest. Ahh yes, I think I will re-read all of my favorite fiction books.)
 
Replacing my habitual drugs of choice with another numbing distraction was far from the plan. And goodness, the timing of this little adventure could not have been worse or more perfect. That may sound confusing, but God’s timing often works out that way, doesn’t it?

Satan’s attacks were relentless over this past month. All of my vulnerable spots were tested. I found myself crying all of the tears, feeling all of the hurts, and asking all of the questions. Where I normally would’ve turned to technology to ignore the hard things, I was forced to take an honest-to-goodness look at my soul. And I didn’t always love what I found there.

Praise God for grace. Even amidst all of my shortcomings, He shows up and loves me still. He is teaching me big things. Good and hard and beautiful things. My prayer list is growing longer because He is pointing all of the areas I’m holding onto with clenched fists.

I suppose that’s what it looks like to walk with the Lord, though. You release one area to Him and then He points out another. It’s almost annoying. And it’s fully liberating.

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I’m on the home stretch now. I can see the beautiful, Instagram-filtered finish line. It seems to be covered in a mountain of cheese, although it’s possible I’m hallucinating at this point. 

It’s a funny thing, really. I thought this detox was going to be a fight. I planned out my attack, put on my armor, picked up my weapons, prepared for battle. I readied my shield for the arrows and prepared my war cry.

And, after all these days, it turns out: this detox looks more like surrender. I am unclenching my fists and laying down my armor. I am giving away my weapons. I’m bringing out my white flag and waving it joyfully.
 
I’m boasting a mile-wide smile with outstretched arms—because He is in control of it all. 

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FRUITFUL FINDS

I'm always looking for sermon, podcast, and book recommendations, so I thought it might be helpful to share a few of my favorites from the past couple of weeks with y'all as well (and feel free to send any my way that you've been loving)!

To watch (or listen): Quest for Truth by Passion City Church

This conversation between Louie Giglio, Ravi Zacharias, and Vince Vitale is so insightful and relevant. They are all so brilliant and wise--I can't even deal. I loved hearing bits of their testimonies and stories (Vince was an atheist in academia and Ravi was a suicide-attempter in India) while learning from their beautiful perspectives. 

To read: Garden City by John Mark Comer

The subtitle of this book is "Work, Rest, and the Art of Being Human," which sums up the main discussions. While I don't agree with everything the author says (per usual), it's one of my favorite books I've read all year. It felt like God was speaking gentle reminders to me through the often-witty and gospel-filled words of John Mark:

“That’s why Sabbath is an expression of faith. Faith that there is a Creator and he’s good. We are his creation. This is his world. We live under his roof, drink his water, eat his food, breathe his oxygen. So on the Sabbath, we don’t just take a day off from work; we take a day off from toil. We give him all our fear and anxiety and stress and worry. We let go. We stop ruling and subduing, and we just be. We 'remember' our place in the universe. So that we never forget . . . There is a God, and I’m not him.”

To sing: Cages by Needtobreathe

You know when you listen to a song for the first time and it just hits you in all of the tender places? This was that song for me. (It's been on repeat over here.)

"We're a band of outsiders
Spend our whole lives chasin'
Trying to climb a little higher
But the high just faded

Went looking for attention
In all the wrong places
We were needin' a redemption
All we got was just cages"